Goodbye Blogspot…. maybe.

I recently started blogging on Blog spot.  The only reason I had chosen that site, was because that was the site I was reading when I decided to start blogging myself.  Seeing that we have a spell check option at the top of this page already confirms that I will probably leave blogspot to rust.  I love me some spell check.   I am not about to start ranting about blog spot to bore everyone to tears.  You can read below to do that.  So on to the real post.

I am going to get VERY honest here and disclose a few things that very few people have been privy to, and to be honest I am not sure if I will even post this.  We’ll see.  In a recent blog I asked people to pray for me.  I didn’t give specifics but I asked for prayer anyway.  Seeing as I have never had a comment, I am not sure anyone reads it anyway, which is probably why I am feeling a little more comfortable about sharing this with whoever might not be reading.  Here it goes!  Gulp!

In recent months I have been going through a very hard time.  I have recognized a pattern in my moods that scared me, and I was finally able to figure out what was going on.  I was dealing with depression.  Thankfully after a few months, I believe that we have kicked this crap to the past, and I have overcome it.  The nitty-gritty details are boring, because nothing exciting happened, I was just really sad.  So I won’t go into too much depth.  However, now as I have friends going through some things that scare the living crap out of me, I feel guilty that I even got depressed at all.

I have one friend who recently gave birth to her stillborn son.  How scary!  How terrible, and I just feel so much for her and her family, that I can’t even begin to explain it.  I have gone through the terrors of the possibility of losing my son soon after his birth, and the terror of the realization that had we gone with a home birth, like I had considered, he wouldn’t be here today.  I haven’t however, had to live on the other side of that nightmare.  Actually losing the baby.  So how dare I feel so sad for no reason what so ever in the midst of such abundant blessings in my life, when my dear friend has to go through such heart ache?  I just wish there were more that I could do.  I have been praying like crazy for her, but besides that, there isn’t much I can do, as we don’t even live in the same city.  My heart just breaks for her.

I have another friend who found out that she has cancer in December, on the wake of losing her precious baby.  She lost her baby early in her pregnancy, but regardless of how long that baby was in her tummy, the baby was loved, and was her child.  It’s impossible not to mourn that.  The issue here is my friend’s health.  She hasn’t even had time to think about her loss as a result of trying to get better and fight this rare form of cancer that continues to baffle her doctors.  She was going through all this at the same time as I was going through my depression, and her battle still continues.  I can help but feel for her mom, whose heart must be breaking in half.  I can’t imagine watching one of my kids go through this constant battle.  I think of her husband.  How terrified he must be.  What would I do if anything ever happened to Ryan?  And her precious little girl.  She must be so confused.  It wouldn’t be possible to maintain the peaceful household they enjoyed before this all started.  I am praying for a full recovery for Jill, and I pray that it happens sooner than later, and that she would still be able to have children in the future.  She is too much of an awesome mom to not bless more than one child as a mother.

 All I can do is pray for these women and their families, and ask you to do the same.  I think that guilt in the midst of my blessings while my friends struggle is probably pretty normal.  I want to help them bear their load, but I have no other options besides letting my life continue.   Which I know is a painful thing to witness as you are the one going through the hard times.  I guess the best thing I can do in addition to praying for them, is letting them know that although my life has to continue as normal, I definitely take out moments to pray for them, and feel for them.  My support is the only thing I can offer.

Advertisement